I remember

 I remember the first day I met you, the sparkle in your eyes was equivalent to a million stars. My stomach felt like it was lifted into my throat by, not just a few butterflies, but a million. You make me feel free and happy. Truly happy. After everything that’s happened to me, I didn’t think I could ever feel what happy was ever again. But the first day you talked to me, I felt it. I was taken back by your smile and the words you spoke. I could feel it, your meaning and your hurt under everything, even though you  laughed and no one else could see. I felt it. It was small at first, but now I knew...I just didn’t want to.

 Everything you did made me feel, I don’t know, anything...everything...I remembered what it was like to feel. You talked to me between classes, and would blow kisses to me before I walked out to practice. Everything you did was so subtle that no one even seemed to notice, but I did. You have know idea how much everything you did meant to me. You waved at me during football games and brought me food because you “happened to have extra”. Sometimes I’d catch you looking at me in that way…the way I look at you. When I’d see you do that, I’d feel like gravity has just lifted me and I’m floating. I’d give anything to have you look at me that way again.

 I still had doubts that you ever liked me, it hurts so badly, I know that you could ease the pain if I just told you...but I won’t

 Sometimes I feel like I could kill all of those fatass butterflies…it’s just like I’m filled with anger at the thought of me liking you and you not liking me back. Yeah, it sounds so middle school, but it’s just how I feel. Every time I feel sad or angry or something, you read me like a book and I feel like I can talk to you about anything….but I still don't.

 I push you away.

 Every time I see you walking in a crowd of people, I don’t see anyone else but you. Even if I pass by and pretend to be too involved with everyone else to notice you, I really am happy to see you. My friends say that you’re really no good for me at all, but there’s something about you that makes me all strange and giddy inside. I lay in the my bed late at night and think about how you made a complete humiliation of yourself in front of everyone for me. Or, I think about all those times that you were a complete idiot, and the fact that even when you try your hardest, you let me down sometimes, even when you promised you wouldn't. I think about all these things and smile. You are human, and you make me feel alive.

 And then I remember the first day I met you.

 That was the day you invited me to sit next to you, with your eyes sparkling and you were laughing at how small my hands were compared to yours. I can still feel you hand wrapped around mine while you laughed and told me everything I wanted to hear. You told me things I've waited so long for anyone to say and you’d only known me for an hour.

 I think I love you, but it's too late for that...isn't it?